


Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 1,158 (Part II)

by crazyoldhermit



Series: Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit [42]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-13
Updated: 2016-08-13
Packaged: 2018-08-08 14:53:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7762204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyoldhermit/pseuds/crazyoldhermit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The weekly satirical saga continues, as a crazy mofo returns, and the poodoo is about to hit the air duct.  </p>
<p>www.ramblingsofacrazyoldhermit.com</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 1,158 (Part II)

TATOOINE - Day 1,158 (Part II):

Our blades pushed against each other causing sparks to erupt around us. Face to face, I noticed his breathing apparatus sounded so much like Vader. In fact, his whole life-suit screamed VADER, the only difference was some skin. Whereas Vader exposed nothing of his human self, Kilgore's eye, ears and ugly bald head remained free of the suit. 

As I looked deeply into to his one human eye, I knew immediately who he was. It shouldn't be possible, but the dark side is powerful and never seems to run out of surprises.

I turned to my Wookiee companion, "Chewie, get Luke and that kid out of here! Don't worry about me!" Chewbacca was smart enough not to argue. He began firing his crossbow at the three bounty hunters. The young teenage boy, who had been paid to lead us into this trap, was now firing his blaster alongside Chewbacca. He seemed like a decent kid, who was desperately looking for a payday.

"What's the matter, Kenobi," Kilgore snarled, "you look like you've seen a ghost."

"No," I said pushing my saber at him, "just another asshole I've condemned to a life-suit."

Kilgore's eye opened wide as he unleashed an attack that I had not expected. As we danced the dance of Jedi versus Sith, I made sure to steer him away from my escaping friends. Once they and bounty hunters took the battle outside, I ran my blade past Kilgore's ear to get his undivided attention, then slid back and lowered my weapon. Time to chat. 

Kilgore followed my lead. "Questions, Kenobi?"

"Yes," I smiled slightly. "Why Kilgore? Tis a silly name."

"Kilgore is my middle name, sucka." There was a spring in his step that radiated confidence. "Can't a Jedi have a middle name? You never even bothered to ask me mine. So all that time I was Mace KILGORE Windu, and you never even knew. You and your Padawan thought the whole galaxy revolved around you, and look where that got us!"

We circled each other liked caged nexus. Then I asked, "So how are you still alive?"

"How am I still alive? HOW AM I STILL ALIVE?! Bitch please. I ain't crazy no more. You ain't gonna get me to lose my shit. I'm as cool as a space cucumber."

Looking him over, I said, "Glad to see you made some progress in certain areas, but I’m not thrilled with your other choices."

"Yeah, well here's a little fact that might blow your narrow mind, Kenobi. I am Sith now! That's how I survived. I got both my mothafuckin hands cut off, my mothafuckin leg, been throw out a mothafuckin window and over a cliff, had all my insides crushed like a mothafucka, and I'm still here. The Dark Side saved me, and showed me the way."

"I see," I continued to circle, looking for a weakness in his life-suit. "So what are your big plans now, besides killing me?"

"HA-HA-HA! You always were a funny mothafucka. I don't want to kill you."

"No?"

"No. I mean I'll probably end up having to kill you, but it's not my intention. You were the Emperor's and Anakin's bitch, and you never even knew it until it was too late. I never wanted you. I pity you."

I stopped walking. "So it's Luke you're after?"

"Of course! You'd be a jive Jedi fool to not see that coming. I'm going to kill the son of Anakin Skywalker, then I'm going to kill Darth Vader, and take his place at the Emperor's side. When the time is right, I will destroy the Emperor as well. Then I, Kilgore, will have the entire Imperial fleet at my beck and call."

"And you said you weren't crazy?” I mumbled to myself. “The Council always said you didn't have a sense of humor, but you are hilarious, Mace!"

"The name is Kilgore!" With that he tried to Force choke me, but I pushed him back. He had obviously thought this strategy out because in one move he hit me with an enormous table, knocking me off balance, then he hit me with Force lightning, which caused me to me to fall to the ground and start convulsing. Taking the wind out of my space sails, he lifted me into the air and began Force choking me like a real bastard. 

"Bba..." I attempt to get out. 

"Really Kenobi, don't you know it's impolite to talk while being Force choked," he laughed manically.

"Bbab..."

"Oh, fine," he huffed, releasing me. 

I fell to the ground, trying to shake off the feeling of having my esophagus crushed from the inside. 

"This better be good, bitch."

"Boba, young Boba Fett," I managed to eek out. 

"What about him?"

I stood slowly. "That's why he's not here. You can't let him discover who you really are, or he'll seek vengeance for you killing his father."

"That clone scum means nothing to me." I heard the words, but I could tell from his human eye that he was lying. 

"Well sucka, back to business." He raised his hand and had me in another unbreakable Force choke. 

My arms were pinned down at my side, so I couldn’t even throw my lightsaber. I had to find something I could use with just my mind. Searching the area I discovered a small rock on the floor, and as I felt my consciousness slipping away I was able to propel the rock with such a velocity that it punctured Kilgore's respirator. 

I was immediately released, as Kilgore frantically searched for the hole that was making a hissing sound that was music to my ears. 

In his mechanical voice he warned me, "This isn't done, Kenobi." Then he leapt through the hole in the roof from which he came. 

I got to my feet and brushed myself off. This was not the kind of day I was expecting. It started out fairly nice and went to total shit rather quickly. So instead of chasing after Kilgore, I knew I had to find Luke and protect him. 

Leaving the building, I was shocked to discover that the street had been turned into a war zone. There were smoke and flames everywhere, a dead dewback laid in the road, and people were running in all directions. Then I saw the mighty Chewbacca, standing tall and proud in a dusty cloud, and I knew that everything was all right. Luke was on his back and the dark haired boy with the sticky fingers was safe as well. Chewie explained to me what a help and great shot the boy was. 

"Well, young lad," I extended my hand, "I thank you for your bravery. My name is Ben, and this is Luke and Chewbacca."

The boy shook my hand vigorously and said, "Well it's always nice to meet a friendly face. My name is Han Solo."


End file.
